Self Esteem and Children

Yesterday I read a book which mentioned developing self esteem in children. The general gist was that if I, as a parent, were to do activities a, b, and/or c with my child, then the child would somehow have self esteem.

It doesn't work that way, regardless of what activities a, b, and c are.

The reason is that self esteem has to come from within. I cannot give it to my children, or anyone else, for that matter. All I can do is encourage them to develop their own self esteem.

I would liken it to a seed. I plant the seed in the ground, but I cannot make it grow. All I can to is give it the nutrients, sunlight, and water it needs, the growth come from within the seed.

The air and water of self esteem is love. That is, my child must feel truly loved for the self esteem to grow. To do this, I must learn to love myself, because only in loving myself can I hope to love another person.

Love does not mean giving them everything they want. It means being there for them. Hurting when they hurt, listening when they want to talk. Instructing them when they want to learn. Telling them why when you make a decision which effects them.

The nutrient is responsibility. That is, I don't try to control my children's life, but rather, I allow them to make their own decisions. Of course, I will always be there as a resource when they have a question, or or need picking up after making a wrong decision.

I will never punish them for doing something I think is wrong. First, I may be wrong myself. Second, if I do that, then I am taking responsibility for their decisions, and denying them the nutrient. If punishment is warranted, they will punish themselves far more effectively than I could.

This does not mean I would be permissive. If they want to do something wrong, then I will not punish them, but I will advise them of the problems. I will not assist them in any way, for example, by buying alcohol or drugs for them.

Finally, the sunlight, which is the example of living a good life that I project. When I can express joy despite rather trying times. When my talk can be of loving other people, and talk of peace. When I can myself live with the injustice in the world. When I can learn to be myself.

This is the road to self esteem. The activities I do with my children are not a, b, and c, but whatever love dictates. Doing is not enough, there must be being involved. I must love my children enough to allow them to fail. And in the end, there will be self esteem.